Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Walking Without Crutches


You ever feel that you're supposed to say something and you'd rather not do it? Have you ever gone against the leading of the Holy Spirit...and not do what He's placed on your heart? Yep. I've done that before, and frankly, I hated the feeling afterwards. Once, we were sitting at a fast food restaurant and a stranger was really being ugly about another customer after they left. And I felt that familiar push of the Holy Spirit leading me to witness to the man...and I didn't do it. I still feel awful about it, and I pray God forgives me of that and sent someone else to witness in my place. What an opportunity I missed.

I've had that push again. That same still small voice telling me...leading me...to share some parts of me and my past that are very personal and private.

And hurtful and ugly.

*Sigh*

Sometimes, I'm almost crippled by fear.
And please. I know the Scriptures about fear. "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7

"In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me." - Isaiah 54:14

Sometimes it sneaks up on me, and I get this horrifying, overwhelming, knee buckling, heart gripping fear that almost knocks me to the ground.

After the birth of our first child, I privately went to my mother and told her about my problem with being afraid of the dark. I felt stupid. Childish. Irrational, even. I'm a mother now, I shouldn't be afraid of the dark. I'm supposed to be the one who's strong for the children when they have a bad dream, right? 

My mother looked at me and wisely nodded her head. She wasn't surprised at all, and I wanted to know why.

Our conversation went something like this:

Mom: You have a good reason to be afraid of the dark.
Me: I do? Why? (at this point, I seriously didn't know.)
Mom: Don't you remember when you were locked in a basement when you were four?
Me: (stunned silence, then,) I had forgotten about that (and the memory hit me loud and clear.)

When I was young, I was taken by a teenaged neighbor and locked in their basement. There wasn't any lights on, and sadly, I remember not having clothes on. That's where my memory shuts down, and I'm glad that's where I go blank. After a while, the mother came home and heard me screaming in the basement and took me to my own home.

This wasn't a neighbor I was friends with. Come on. I was four, and this was a teenager. Obviously, we weren't the best of friends, and no, they had never, ever babysat for me.

Today, I can sleep without a night light on.
I can drive in the dark and I can walk to our front door in the dark without running and panicking.
can let our cats out, step outside and knock the coffee grounds into the compost pile in the dark without turning on the porch light.

Because I have learned to walk without crutches.
See, I don't let the crutch of fear and despair get hold of me and cripple me anymore, because I know I have a beautiful Friend Who will help me through each and every dark path and dark step I have to take. I don't let this become something that hinders me or allow it to rule my day and/or night. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I've had to walk a dark, dreary road until I realized I was carrying a burden too great for me to bear.

I've seen/heard so many people say they can't do something because of something that happened in their past.

I can't do______________because when I was a kid...
I don't like dogs, because when I was a kid, I was attacked by a pit bull...
I'm afraid to _____________because once, I...

and the list goes on.

Trust me. There's a lot on my list. I've only told you one thing about myself, and I have tons more. I've walked a dark, terrifying path that has taught me a very, very great lesson.

I have a Friend in Jesus and He will take me through this.

No. I didn't go to counselling with a preacher, psychiatrist, or psychologist.

I went to the King of kings, and Lord of lords, and I told Him that I was afraid.
You know what else I told Him?

I told Him I was tired of being afraid and I asked Him to help me not be anymore. To take my valid fear and make me a confident ~ not egotistical and prideful, but confident ~ young woman that can trust Him to take care of me.

And He did what I asked Him to.

Are you allowing a crutch from your past hinder you in something today? Have you taken that crutch you rely on and given it to God and asked Him to take it away?
Friend, if you're dealing with something difficult that you would like prayer for, email me at amanda38401 at gmail dot com and I'll add you to my prayer list. You don't even have to tell me your name or the problem. Won't you allow Him to take that particular care from your burdened shoulders and carry it for you? He's waiting patiently for it. All you have to do is give it to Him.